The Mixed Bag of Political Correctness... and of human beings in general

I need to get this off my chest because it's driving me bonkers. But I'll start with some reasonable statements to calm myself down, before taking my wordsmith stick and beating the nonsense like a red-headed step-child. (See what I did there?)

Political correctness is simply a cultural feature. It's a movement, an agenda, an idea that influences culture. It galls me that I have to point this out, but the original intention of political correctness is rooted in treating people with respect and honor. Yep, I used the current evangelical buzzword, honor. 

Political correctness, like so many things  every idea, is imperfect and has potential to become warped. Every good idea, started with good intentions, can have unintended consequences or evolve into something less helpful. Boxing gloves were intended to protect the hands of boxers, but ended up causing increased cases of brain damage. But I digress.

In spite of recent spikes in racial slurs, most Americans still agree that it's unacceptable to use the n-word. I think most of my conservative friends agree, it's a good thing that the n-word has become taboo. But they will chafe if we acknowledge that this cultural trend owes a debt to "political correctness."

In spite of the president's statements about women, most honest Americans do not think it's appropriate to sexually assault women, refer to a woman's menstrual cycle, or imply that a woman's hair color corresponds to her intelligence or temperament. (see what I did there?) Most of us agree on this, left and right. We can thank the influence of political correctness for contributing to a positive shift.

And we as a society have become more aware of how we speak to and about others, whether it affirms or demeans them. You'd think Christians would be on board with this, in general. Love your neighbor and all that.

Alright, the bad: Some versions of political correctness means we cannot criticize someone else's views with respectful disagreement, let alone can we cut to the chase: "that's a dumb idea."  (This is a strong cultural undercurrent here in Oregon--there are no wrong answers!) I can make a positive spin on this about open-mindedness, but I understand how it can be frustrating to those with unpopular opinions, like the school board member in Silverton who is getting roasted for being (crassly) anti-immigrant. (Tangent for another time: Does an employee represent his company every time they set foot outside their home? I mean, does he or she represent the company every time he or she leaves his or her home?)

Speaking of gender pronouns, here is my grammar nazi rant, feel free to skip: We still don't have a working, everyday, grammatically correct way of referring to a hypothetical individual without using a gender pronoun.  So in baby books and blogs, they may refer to "your baby" as "she" in one chapter, and "he" in the next chapter. Or there's those extreme flaming feminists (wink) who refer to the hypothetical baby as "she" throughout, as if to compensate for years of "he" and "mankind" being defaults.

I write the above paragraph smiling. Although I have strong feminist sympathies, fighting battles over grammar seems silly to me. I also sympathize with the conservatives who might say, "nobody cares!"

And then there are the many awkward hang-ups of how to refer to people. Very proper white liberals always say "African-American," but black people I know use the word "black." And I have friends who are African-American in the sense that they moved here from Africa not many years ago. So they are more literally African-American but they don't really relate to American black culture.

I live in a neighborhood full of Latinos, but most of them are Mexican, and refer to themselves as Mexican. I've seen a bumper sticker that said, "Not latino, not hispanic, MEXICAN." Okay, sheesh. When I was a kid, the proper word was "Hispanic," and apparently the state of Oregon still uses that standard, based on how many times I've checked the box, "white non-Hispanic." But I never hear Spanish-speaking people use the word "Hispanic."

(Cheat sheet: the quickest, easiest way to find out how to show people respect is to simply ask them what they prefer. No formula needed.)

How we speak about people matters; we all want to treat others, and be treated, with respect. But it's difficult to just express respect in a natural, warm, human way if we get too hung up on speaking with perfect political correctness. Language is messy; it evolves, and it's easy to misconstrue. There's no way to set permanent standards. And nobody likes having their semantics dissected and criticized when they didn't intend any harm.

More recently, though--and I think this is why some people love Trump--political correctness has taken on a weird shape. There are not only politically correct ways of addressing people in order to show respect, but increasingly, there are politically correct opinions. My earnest liberal friends are fish who don't know they're wet: it just so happens that political correctness, more and more, lines up with liberal ideology. So any divergent opinion, regardless of how logically well-founded, is incorrect. I think this is why conservatives are hopping mad, being dismissed and shut out of debates because they've already been judged as "incorrect."

So now that all my conservative friends are saying, yes, yes, it's so frustrating, I am going to brandish my wordsmith stick. It's a little rusty but it will have to do. And I'm going to point it more narrowly at right-wing Christians, specifically those who spout their political views wrapped in Christian lingo. And even more narrowly, the ridiculous "prophecies" I've seen and heard floating around charismania that the president is "anointed to tear down the spiritual stronghold of political correctness in our country." (At this my liberal friends either have their mouths hanging open in disbelief or they are sitting back in smug judgment.) I use italics because it's the whole reason I put the effort into writing all this:

Political correctness is not a "spiritual stronghold" or any kind of spiritual entity requiring "anointed" opposition. It is a human idea with mixed outcomes, positive and negative.

Furthermore, a man's commitment to destroy political correctness is NOT a measure of his godliness or his positive impact on society. If we're going to talk about morality and the well-being of society, we have bigger fish to fry. And even if you think political correctness as the great demon of our age (eye roll), certainly you must acknowledge that there are many other pressing issues to grapple with??

Anyway, as Christians, don't we have plenty of other true spiritual illnesses--both inside and outside the church--to keep us occupied with repentance and redemption? Greed, judgment, self-righteousness, jealousy, bitterness, fits of rage, neglecting the poor... I don't see how political correctness could possibly top the list of social ills. I do see how it provides a convenient focal point, a demon du jour.

At this point, my liberal friends who are reading this are probably saying, Where the fuck does this come from?? (Cuz we like to be incorrect when it comes to the language taboos of conservatives, we just don't like them to use our language taboos. Wink.) Well, I'll tell you. The notion that political correctness is Ev-ill comes from a world where spiritual leaders have no boundaries between their political and religious views, but mash it together into a toxic cocktail and demonize anyone who says differently. (There are toxic mash-ups on the left too, but I'm not in deep enough to criticize them in detail.)

In this world, sermons are re-runs of Sean Hannity hyped up into spiritual language with Bible verses peppered in (maybe). Somehow many of the "prophecies" just so happen to exactly line up with conservative talking heads. Such prophets will ignore their man's literal actions, and accuse anyone who questions their pronouncements of blessing on the anointed one. (I was told I must have a "religious spirit" for questioning the president's "anointing.") It results in homogeneous churches where they say they want to love "sinners," but alienate anyone who doesn't share their political views.

In that bubble, my conservative friends are also fish who don't know they're wet. They stay insulated from any idea that is contrary to their favorite prophets and spiritual leaders. When I'm in that world, sometimes I want to scream, "The emperor has no clothes!!!"

BUT, my dear liberal reader, the reason I don't scream is that I know these people. I know their big hearts, their good intentions, their sincerity. Although I feel it's important to stem the tide of nonsense with my small voice and small tools, I cannot put these sweet people in a basket of deplorables. I know so many die-hard conservatives whose ideology I find stupid, yet I know they would give me the shirt off their backs and always offer a shoulder to cry on. We're human. We're mixed bags!

Here is the current nature of western public discourse as I see it: boil things down to very simple choices of for or against. Ignore complexity; pick a side. Divide people (and governments, and institutions, and businesses) up into bad guys and good guys. Refuse to acknowledge good in people on your "bad" list. Refuse to acknowledge bad in people on your "good" list. Champion the good guys, demonize the bad guys. Shout at your enemies, comfort your friends.  But I'll say it now and many more times: there are no precious few true good guys and bad guys. Most humans, including politicians, pastors, talking heads, religious folks, flaming liberals and religious flaming liberals, are mixed bags. A single person can have wonderful and terrible ideas. Can have a mind for justice on one issue and glaring blind spots on another.

So everyone, please, right and left: political correctness is neither an angel or a demon. It is what it is: a cultural trend with potential for good and harm. We can set out to correct the excesses without demonizing the whole thing. And we can defend the positive outcomes without getting butt-hurt over legitimate criticisms. Although I don't mind using a big stick on stupid ideas, I refuse to demonize people, right or left, and I keep appealing to reason. As my smart friend Ben Curry said, "Come to the center. We have cookies."

On Friendship

My friend just left my house after a sweet visit. We hadn't spent time together since I had just one baby; now I have a toddler and two big kids. A lot of crazy things swirled around us winding down to the end of our friendship and I didn't understand her or our other friends... I just shut down, shut them out, and crawled into a self-righteous cocoon (i.e. ministry) for a few years.

I have said lots of stupid and hurtful things over the years to various people. Sometimes they were acid and I knew it; other times I just spoke from my heart without thinking of how it would come across. I've hurt lots of people. I've apologized to lots of people. I've seen various responses.

Obviously the most precious and healing responses are "thank you" and "I forgive you." (Hint: you can say "thank you" even if you're not totally over it.)  Many people cautiously forgive and act cool, but don't open opportunities to rebuild trust and restore closeness. There's just a little extra distance in the relationship ever after. Some people don't respond at all to an apology, they just withdraw for a while--a couple weeks, or a couple years--to get over it on their own and then act like nothing happened. And I can't blame them--sometimes it takes me weeks or years to cough up the apology.

I had thought of contacting my old friend many, many, many times. We shared a locker in high school. She was a Biggest Fan friend, who encouraged me no matter what I did. We stayed in touch through college. She prayed for me like crazy while I went through family drama. She helped with my wedding. But then the breakdown, and the years of silence... I always thought of her on her birthday. I creeped on her Facebook page once in a while to see what she was up to. But I was too ashamed to get in touch.

In all the times I have apologized for being an asshole, this is the first time someone responded so kindly: "That must have been difficult for you." I wronged her. I withdrew my support for my friend in a difficult time. And now that I finally apologize eight years later, she calls my apology courageous. It makes me want to cover my head and weep.

She was in my heart as I reflected on a recent "find out who your friends are" experience. I tried to accommodate friends I hoped to make, over the friends I already have, and regretted it. It got me thinking about cherishing the friends I have, the ones who stand by, the ones who are there. The ones who tolerate my devil's advocate speeches, the ones who are glad that I tell them the truth, the ones who loan me sweatpants when I don't want to stay in my booty shorts to hang out with friends after the gym. I am realizing (very slowly) that good friends are not so easy to find... especially for a big mouth like me!

(Nothing against the potential friendships that don't quite work out. Sometimes it's just lack of time, or chemistry... Some people are not ready to invest. Some people are just full up on friendship and don't have time to add one. That's ok. It's disappointing, but it's not personal. It is what it is.)

It's a bit like Marie Kondo's big epiphany in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: instead of focusing on what to get rid of and what is not there, focus on what is there. Focus on what is left when you've cleaned up, those things that have made the cut and stayed with you. Enjoy what is there.

I couldn't decide on a New Year's resolution, and it's very late, but maybe I could make it a Lent resolution, a Lent-and-the-rest-of-my-life resolution. Cherish the ones who are there. Cherish the sister who does call instead of fretting about the one who doesn't. Cherish the friend who helps instead of resenting the ones who don't. I'll leave the door open for new friends, but this year I'm going to make it a priority to invest in my friends who are already tried and true.