In October, I was at a small house of prayer conference. As we prayed before the service, I saw in my mind's eye a couple face-to-face like lovers: Jesus and His people, especially the people who emphasize "intimacy with God." Then I saw the faces move so that they were side by side, so closely connected that their minds and hearts were in unity. They looked forward together. I shared my impression with the worship team and believed God was going to do a change in us, a shift in our relationship with Him.
Here at the end of December, I wonder if I am doing something wrong. I don't have near as much face-to-face time with God in prayer and worship as I used to. I don't feel backslidden; love is alive in my life and maturing. I feel His presence when I practice goodness and kindness and humility. But this other rhythm of life is uncomfortable. I don't feel guilty for abandoning all the vigorous meetings I used to attend. And I don't feel guilty for not reading my Bible every day. I am glad when I read it and content with what I have hidden in my heart the rest of the time. Is it ok that I am ok with this? I had to think it over in poem.
We have changed-- I know I have grown
I look in your face less often now
Yet you seem more near, familiar, ever-present
I used to try to always look for your eyes
Now it seems like I have your eyes
I am seeing what you see when I stop for the one
I feel what you feel when kindness for the little ones surges up inside me
Your diligence is chipping away inside me
As I chip away at housework, smiling a little more
I dont often have the euphoria of encounter these days
But I feel slow love at work, steady as a mountain, filling the earth
I have no ambition but to love, having laid down my arms
Oh rest! To have no agenda but to be available to love
My left and right hand hidden, no programs to build.
Someday again it will be time to plant and build
Something alive and clean
But now is the year to let the field rest
While microbes and worms and unseen helpers turn the dirt
Renewing its capacity to sustain roots
This year, let weeds and wildflowers jostle on the surface
And when they fade fold their small strength under the earth
Preparing for new seeds and new crops ahead
It is against my training to neglect the ecstasy of worship:
I have been told it's the reason to be alive, to encounter God
I often thought it was my only purpose
But now I have to be about my Father's business,
I cannot live for spiritual ecstasy
At the same time I have renewed my commitment to ecstasy at home
How strange, when once I longed for worship times and shunned my husband,
And now my worship has changed and i have welcomed my husband into my heart at last
I have pondered this switch; I believe it is good.
Maybe I have stopped "worshipping worship,"
Maybe I was addicted to the emotional experience and not God Himself
Because now the worship emotions have changed
And I still have Him near and dear
Yesterday I saw Akiane in a video say,
When I was younger God talked to me face to face
But now that I am older I just know he is with me, in the paints
In the creating, I know he is with me all the time.
Then I remembered what i saw
Changing from face to face to side by side
Close, side by side, almost one, like a siamese twin,
overlapping like those photos on Gungor's new album
And now I think I am on the right track
It's ok for me to be ok with this.
