Some months ago, a dear friend was lamenting again how she wants to move. I pointed out that as long as I've known her, wherever she lives, she always wants to move. But wherever you go, there you are. She protested that this was different, she wants a better school for her kids, fewer drug addicts in the neighborhood...
Her bland apartment, smashed in next to dozens of others, with children always traipsing through each other's unfenced yards, is not so bad. It's not unsafe. It's just not nice. And the people aren't all nice, just average sinners, some swearing and drinking, with occasional marijuana and neglect... All the kids love to come to my friend's house, because she was born to be a mother. Her compassion grows with every (unplanned) child she bears. As we talk, her beautiful petite frame is filling out with number five. She practices kindness and patience with the neighbor kids, and shares from her consistent supply of goldfish crackers, the same way she used to put them in a cute mug for me when I first met her. I've eaten a lot of goldfish crackers at my friend's retro kitchen table, and so have the kids in her neighborhood.
But she worries. Maybe this neighborhood isn't "good for" her kids. As long as I've known her, she's wanted more, always restless. Her poor husband is always scraping through to feed all the mouths and keep them under one roof.
I had an epiphany while I was listening to her. Someone saddled my friend with the idea that in order to please God, you must live in a nice neighborhood and your kids must grow up in safety, with plenty of opportunities. I suddenly felt a little ire at this great and prevalent lie, that God's will is the American dream. I got on a soapbox and said something like, "You don't have to live in a nice neighborhood to be a good Christian! If that were God's will, then most of the world wouldn't be able to attain it! And what about the missionaries living in some remote place laying down their lives for love? Bet their kids don't get a lot of "opportunities" as Americans think of them. Maybe God put you here in THIS apartment complex to love and show compassion. If you love your neighbors and teach your kids to love, they will be fine. Show them that you are content in God's will. They don't have to go to a nice school, they just need to know they can trust God and love people!"
My friend couldn't argue with my point, and admitted she needs to trust God more, otherwise how can she teach her kids in that way? She also seemed a little relieved to hear that God didn't expect her to figure out how to improve her status in order to be acceptable to Him.
...... Today this conversation rushed back into my mind, as I looked at the tuition prices of a Christian school. Because I'm worried. Worried that the elementary school across the street won't be "good for" my kindergartener. Will the Mexican neighbors who pick on him in the front yard treat him even worse at school, when I'm not close by?
I tell my sons to love their neighbors. All the time. Love, love, love. And tell the truth. Not just "be nice," or "behave." Love from the heart and forgive; if you can't, ask God for help. But in my heart, I am afraid to send them out into the world where they will certainly encounter mistreatment. (And all the experienced moms, who have already sent children away to school and college and marriage, will smile gently and chuckle at my fear, because they remember it so well.) Of course, I don't want my sons to volunteer for abuse, but l have only taught them the armor of love and truth. The armor of fear and isolation (or at least pre-emptive rejection of strangers) would be a lot more safe and predictable. I see other little boys Lachlan's age who have already learned to swagger like their fathers and hold their heads up, and look for their own advantage. Lachlan still has no swagger, no pride, no pretense. He's tender-hearted and vulnerable; I don't want him to learn hardness and lying.
I looked up a local Christian school I had seen. $200 a month for tuition. And tears sprang to my eyes because that price is impossible for us right now. And then I recognized the same mentality my friend was struggling with--this is what it means to be a good Christian American family: You're supposed to own a house, one or two cars that don't break down, send your kids to Christian school or home school, live on only one income, have dinner together every night. Well what if you're poor!? Then you need to work harder so you're not poor anymore, then you can be the kind of Christian God is looking for? What a pile of crap.
And on the other hand, I know what's "good for" most people---a healthy dose of challenges and trials, passed through with patience and faith. Humans are always trying to avoid pain; some Americans seem to take any pain or difficulty as an infringement on their rights. Doesn't the Bible say something about being "patient in affliction"? It's sort of un-American, but it's definitely part of basic Christianity. So, then, perhaps the "best" thing for Lachlan will be to go to a school where he is part of the racial minority. Perhaps the best thing I can do as a parent is to strengthen him to endure a little rejection and mistreatment, to pass through it with dignity, confidence, and patience. Will the armor of love be enough? I hope so.
