Recently I have begun to suspect something inside of me is trying to get out, a fountain of life just one chisel tap away from bursting. This nagging feeling surprises me.  Over the past couple years of facing and owning up to some deep character flaws, I finally experienced deep conviction of being a “sinner saved by grace” for the first time. (I am 28 and I have “always” been a Christian.) I thought I had finally started to become humble by recognizing my sin. Then the walk of humility took an unexpected turn--I began to experience moments of ridiculous confidence, clarity, and joy, while still aware of my objective unworthiness and propensity toward pride.
     So, this fountain growing inside of me… I can‘t take full credit for it, yet it is truly me, more me than anything I’ve yet created.  When I come to write, I come empty-handed and (if I’m lucky) empty-headed too--in a good way, like a clean sheet of paper not cluttered with grocery lists, phone numbers, and talking points.  When I come empty, clarity and strength are starting to pour forth, the voice I once wielded destructively in immaturity now brilliantly cutting the air with grace.  I am genuinely astonished.
What has happened to me?  These two years of dark silence have changed me.  At some point, I realized how many I had hurt with this sword of language, and all I could do was wrestle to keep silence.  I bit my tongue to protect the ones I love, even with bitter accusations rising in my heart and fierce lashings on the tip of my tongue. I still struggle with these things (ask my husband), but it’s getting a little easier all the time as grace rises up from inside my spirit and cleans out bitterness.
     Now when I come to the blank page, the microphone, my song-writing journal, I am aware of the Presence ready and willing to propel me forward with much more strength than my own.  The Holy Spirit has started nudging me to write.  Not yet, Lord!  I don‘t think I‘m ready!  Can’t I stay quiet for several more years?  Until I become confident in my humility?  (I wonder if that ever happens!)  Until I’m grown up?  (What is “grown up”?)  No, He says, you’re ready.  This is what I heard:

     Steward your gifts in your love for Me and also your fear of Me.  Whatever ability I give you, use it to the utmost.  Do not squander or disregard the talents I have given you.  To whom much is given, much is required.  You cannot take every opportunity, but you must use every gift I have given you, even those that are under-developed.  I did not give you gifts for your own amusement, but as tools and weapons you must wield walking with Me.  You will not please me by using My gifts to suit yourself; you will not please Me by taking every opportunity and wearing yourself out.  You will please me by always saying, “Yes, Sir.”  When I share My heart, when I release My strength through you, when I tell you how much I love you and how proud I am to call you MY child, you must not argue.  Stop arguing with My delight and start boasting in My great love and grace toward you.  You are weak, that is true, but don’t use My grace as an opportunity to give your sins and weaknesses the limelight.  I do not appreciate you magnifying the sins that I paid a great price to forget.  
     You have been humbled by your weaknesses, now you must learn to walk in strength without losing humility.  There are many who need you to be strong for them, but this time it must be with My strength working through you, and not just your opinions and efforts.  I need you to be a channel of My strength, because many are weary and thirsty.  If you draw strength from Me, it will not exhaust you to lend strength to others.  
     The time is coming soon that you will delight in battle on behalf of the ones you love, because you will see My victory even before it is fully manifest.  You have always known battle was your destiny, but you did not know how much joy you would share with me in it.  Do not worry about what you are going to say, what you are going to write, or what others are going to do.  Keep your mind pure and set on things above.  You have already begun to do this, but you must cut off indulgence in your own opinions, because even a little puffing up of knowledge can taint My words, and I need My words to be strong in you, not to for your benefit, but for the benefit of others.
Be strong.

   So this blog is my “Yes, Sir” to my Father God.  I am going to write boldly in obedience because I love Him, and because it‘s just a hoot to be used by Him!  (Can I say that?? Yes, it‘s my blog!)  Next time, maybe I will describe my commitment to write from “the overflow” and the themes I expect this blog to cover.  Thanks for reading!